Monday, February 6, 2012


I established this blog years ago, made a few inane posts, and never returned to it. I've begun some introspection and decided it would be helpful to post that material here, so from time to time moving forward there will be occasional posts on my personal journey through this world.

     It was only recently that I consciously realized I've been hiding from myself for as long as I can remember. My three primary hobbies (which I'll be discussing later) all demand full attention, or they at least ask for it politely and I grant it.
     If I'm going to try to break the pattern I've established for myself, I should probably begin by acknowledging who I am. I could quote things like "know thyself" and "I think, therefore I am" but the truth is that I don't quite agree with the latter comment. Descartes' entire cogito relies upon the existence of a God, capitalized because in this instance it is a specific benevolent, omnipotent, omniscient entity. I don't delude myself with such beliefs, but I'm straying from my original intention and will likely have to return to this at a later date. Suffice to say "I Am."
     Specifically, I Am twenty-three and deep in denial. At this point, I have to fight my long-seated urge to deflect from a painful truth through a humor injection about the Egyptian river. I Am, by the societal definition, a loser and waste of limited planetary resources. I Am, according to the powers that be, an intelligent (or seemingly so) college dropout with zero marketable skills or work experience. I Am, surprisingly some, in possession of a rather strong will-to-live. I Am, if not actually so, at least expressing several of the classical symptoms of clinical depression.
     My hygiene is an incontrovertible disaster; I bathed myself once in the past ten days only because I was to visit a family member. I actually couldn't tell you the last time I brushed my teeth, let alone flossed, not because I suffer from the ability to communicate or memory flaws but simply due to the recency of the event. (Gingivitis is the number one cause of all tooth decay!) Truth be told, even thinking about my teeth sends me into a panic attack, but scarier yet is the thought that I experience said attack as a mental barrier to prevent myself from actually having to resolve the problem. I'm overweight, seldom exercise, and rarely leave my apartment. I don't see any friends, though I talk to several daily online.
     Brief tangent: many studies have indicated the differences between face-to-face and electronic communications.said studies make it readily apparent that the benefits are not equally achieved across both methods. On a semi-related note, extraversion is directly correlated (repeat after me: correlation is not causation, etc etc) with individual happiness.
     It's remarkably cathartic, writing this. There's something about exposing one's self to the world (I swear I didn't realize there were children in that park, Officer. Ha-ha, I know, my jokes suck.) Admittedly, it helps that I'm publishing this, without fanfare, in the relative anonymity of the  web. There are, by my (admittedly rough) estimate, at least ten million other such blogs filled with trivial garbage among which the ripples of my statements will propagate little, and hence remain unnoticed. I myself, in what would later be recognized by the state as a fit of megalomania, link to it once when I was under the mistaken impression that all of my ideas were original and worth the time a reader would spend digesting them. Regardless, I find it rather amusing that I can safely publish such dark, dreary, personal thoughts where they will remain hidden in plain sight.
     So, my dearest-and-most-absent reader, thank you for being the rubber ducky of my catharsis. (Said term arises from working through a programming bug by explaining the issue to someone else, regardless of their understanding or state of animacy. But I find myself veering yet again from my topic.) I'd be deluding myself if I said it would be easy, but I do hereby state my intent to change. With a bit of luck, it may even be fore the better, ha-ha. I've taken steps to loosen the grip my hobbies currently hold over me, and thereby reduce the utter disregard I seem to hold for my own status and reality. I'll begin taking the multivitamins that have for the past months sat within arms reach of my own personal poisonous timesinks and force myself to intake quality nourishment on a semi-regular basis, rather than the pitiful excuse for food that I currently consume. I also mean to get back together with my torturous ex Ercise, hopefully for keeps, and return to my various studies of shorthand, writing, and drawing. Thank you , my pleasantly silent and nonjudgmental reader, for acting as my notary. Please sign at the dotted line while I wish you good morrow.